Chapped and Screwed

We've all experienced chapped lips before. Especially with this harsh weather, our poor lips can't get a break. That doesn't mean it's ok to run around in the streets with sheets of dead skin flapping in the breeze. We've got Burt's Bees, Kiehl's, coco butter, and good old-fashioned Vaseline to help out. Lip licking may be considered sexy to some of you, but it only exacerbates the problem.

The other day I was minding my own business in class when I noticed this young lady had the most egregious chapped lips I'd seen in creation. She knew it, too; because as she talked, she was picking away. At times she would stop peeling and just allow the skin to flap in the breeze like those international flags at the used car lot. Normally I wouldn't co-sign on public grooming—particularly when it comes to lips. It's on par with nose picking and bare belly scratching in public. But this girl had a foot-long sheet of dead skin on her bottom lip. I wanted it gone! Because I believe in God, the Secret, and the power of positive thinking, I prayed and Secreted her dead skin away. And it worked! When I looked away and turned back to her, her shiny new bottom lip was revealed. Kind of like when that nasty cocoon shell falls off and out pops the butterfly or when you take a rusty, old car to Maaco and have it painted in a marvelous new color.

As I reveled in the power of my mind, my body shook with great horror. Where had she disposed of that foot-long piece of dead skin? There was no garbage can near her desk and she had not gotten up to throw it out in a bin. She wasn't sitting by a window either. Did she put it in her pocket? Her notebook? Her boots?

Listen people. The world can be gross enough as it is with all of the nose pickers and bare belly scratchers walking the street. Is it too much to ask to excuse yourself and go to the WC to handle your business? Come on now.