Let 'er Rip

I don't know why this is becoming a trend, but some young "ladies" have been roaming around the downtown area of the city wearing ripped tights. Now I'm a child of the 80s, I understand the concept of ripping perfectly good clothing. I think the look is tired and unbecoming, but if you insist on doing it, make sure you have the gams to back it up. The girls I've noticed are no match for Betty Grable and her legs.

With Style Therapy I stress to my clients to embrace their bodies and dress the body they have now. Play up what you're proud of and camouflage areas you're not terribly pleased with. In other words, work with what you've got.

The lasses I've been seeing are on the shorter, stumpier side. Their goal should be a streamlined look to create length in the legs. In this case less truly is more. The rips and holes create such an ugly and unpleasant leg, aside from the sloppy slob factor, the eye races all over the place, creating more width than length.

Some of you may be saying, "Style Therapist, maybe these girls like their less-than-long-and-lean legs." If they truly loved their less-than-long-and-lean legs, they'd pretty them up, not dirty them up with tattered hosiery.

Camel

The other day I made a trip over to Cognac to have brunch with a dear friend. Wanting to enjoy the unseasonably balmy weather, I waited outside and indulged in a bit of people-watching. Since the restaurant is as midtown as one could possibly get, there was an interesting mix of people. There were folks leaving the matinee showing of Shrek the Musical, looking up at the lights of Times Square with mouths agape, or heading up to Central Park in a hansom cab.

All of these people seemed like your everyday, run-of-the-mill, standard warm bodies roaming the streets at midday in midtown. But there was one who stuck out, I mean really stuck out. This young lady...and I use that term with a great deal of circumscription...in any case, this young lady was walking down the street in black leggings. No major calamity there. Who among us does not own a pair of black leggings? Let he who is without sin and black leggings cast the first stone. It wasn't that she showed up in black leggings, it's what the black leggings were showing. Her reproductive organs were there for the world to see. Everything! It's not as if these leggings were super tight, they were just thin and reflective.

Some of you are asking, "Style Therapist, why were you even looking?" Why was I looking? It's like asking someone not to look at Octomom's belly during her third trimester. The young woman's anatomy was THERE. She was just bopping down the street in her sunglasses and Urban Outfitters scarf, impervious to what was going on below her southern hemisphere. The fact that the fabric was shiny was not helping matters either.

My beautiful people, the moral of the story is to check and re-check your bits and pieces before you leave the house. Sure, some people enjoy exposing the imprint of their biology and others enjoy looking. These people are called perverts and you certainly don't want to be associated with them. Or do you?

Holiday Sweaters: Public Nuisance

'Tis the season to show truly bad taste in apparel. Whether received or given, Holiday Sweaters rear their ugly turtlenecked heads during the first week of December. Long a sartorial blister, this nuisance of a knit endures.

The Holiday Sweater is an 80s relic that refuses to die. While this is one of my favorite decades fashion-wise, there are certainly some things that are better left in the garment grave: acid wash, ripped denim, hairsprayed bangs, and last but not least, the Holiday Sweater.

There are some that are marginally acceptable. And then there are those that should be shot...if one is bonkers enough to shoot a sweater. Please make sure it's not being worn if you do decide to go that route. If there's a sweater that ever deserved to be shot, it's the Holiday Sweater with a holiday sweater motif.

Should you receive one as a gift this year, it's time to reconsider your relationship with the giver. If the person is a grandmother, she's two generations ahead of you and should be given some slack. Moms, aunts, sisters; etc. should all know better. If you manage to get one from a member of this list, consider it a ploy to sabotage your wardrobe. And in retaliation never, ever wear it around them or anyone else. In fact, it should be a reminder to bring your A-game when you're around them. No person would give this to you if they really loved you. It's akin to getting one of those complimentary bookmarks from Barnes & Noble as a gift. It's that low.

Dear Style Therapist: Can I Keep My Velour Suit?

Dear Style Therapist,
I am in love with my velour jump suit. I wear it around my apartment when it's cold but I dare not wear it out in public. What are your opinions on wearing velour jumpsuits outside my home... in public. Do you suggest I purchase a regular cotton jumpsuit instead?

Thank you,
MAB on Long Island


Thanks for writing MAB. I'm an advocate of wearing whatever you want around your house...providing that it's not a sweatshirt, fleece, or velour jumpsuit. A velour jumpsuit is like marijuana. It's the gateway "drug" of the sartorial world. It can lead to stronger (read: worse) substances (read: clothes) in your closet. And while you say there is no way you'd wear it outside of your house, that's the same thought process of a lot of crackheads. No one sets out to become a crackhead. It gradually happens.

I propose a good replacement is a denim and sweater jacket/cardigan combo. If you believe this is too formal for indoors, I think you should completely separate your school clothes from your play clothes. Approach your lounging clothes as a time to pamper yourself in luxurious fabrics for maximum comfort. After all, there's no way you'd run an errand in a silk caftan.


SWEATERS

1. Cable-knit jacket

2. Tie-waist sweater

3. Cardigan coat

4. Shawl cardigan


DENIM

1. Skinny jean

2. Tight jeans

3. Skimmer skinny jeans

4. Classic flare


LOUNGEWEAR

1. Paisley caftan

2. Peacock caftan


My point is you could easily be caught outside of your house with your velour on. A caftan is more extreme (and more comfortable), which means you'd think twice before exiting. When you're on the road, you should always, ALWAYS try to look sharp. Velour suits have contributed to our overall sloppiness. Bare midriffs, exposed thongs—not to mention they're not the most flattering things. If the caftan idea is too mystical, and you insist on keeping your velour, I suggest you do something to it that will make it impossible to wear your fuzzy suit in public. Say an Elmo applique?

Dear Style Therapist: Are Hats Indoors Okay?

Dear Style Therapist,

After reading your last blog “messy hair only works for trolls”, I found myself thinking about the many ways I try to mask a bad hair day. One of my go-to’s is the slouchy knit hat—you know, the one you would wear on a cold day. Lately I’ve seen many girls resorting to this trick but it does look quite as flattering.

What is you opinion on wearing a knit hat indoors and as an accessory? Can it be chic or do I just look like a person trying to cover up a bad hair with what my friends describe as a “toilet bowl cleaner”

Sincerely,

Bad Hair Day in Queens

Dear BH,

Indoor tam or knit hat wearing isn't a crime in and of itself; but if poorly styled, you could be mistaken for a bag lady. It's also akin to wearing your coat inside. You're apt to get the old cliche suggestion of "Stay a while." I'm going to err on the side of keeping it as a means of keeping your head warm rather than masking unkempt hair. Here are some alternatives for BHD (Bad Hair Days) during all seasons:

1. An updated fedora
2. An updated fedora with a bow
3. A classic Kangol
4. A silk scarf à la Jackie Kennedy Onassis

And there's always putting in some product and sleeking your hair back for a sharp, low ponytail. You don't always have to cover up.

*Bonus option*

7 Deadly Style Therapy Sins: Women's Shoes

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Too often we hold onto shoes we don't even like. Here are some tips on what to get rid of.

1. Sneaker slides: This is pure and utter laziness. This started when people needed to run out and heat the car up, then run back inside. Or maybe let the dog out to do her business. Understandably, no one wants to take the time to tie their sneakers for brief, mundane tasks. However, it evolved into a legitimate style that has some real staying power.

2. Platform flip flops: These are a tragic accident waiting to happen. These shoes are a tragic accident in and of themselves. The appeal of the added height makes sense, but there are other ways of achieving that: lifts, stilettos, or socializing with shorter people.

3. Church(or temple) loafers: These are akin to Dad shoes, except most moms know better than this. Vice principals fancy these because the height gives them authority, yet it's comfortable to walk around in all day since only God knows where the actual Principal is. Leave these to overworked administrators. They get a hall pass on this one.

4. Clear heels: These shoes were made for one kind of woman. Chris Rock knows that. I know that. And you know that. Any woman, who's job doesn't entail a slippery pole, should not be wearing these unless she insists upon being confused with the aforementioned woman.

5. Sneaker pumps: It's one or the other. Can't have them both. I'm not not sure if these are for that jogger who's got to run straight to work with no time to change in between. Or maybe it's for the long distance runner who wants a professional look. Either way, this look ran out of steam a long time ago.

6. Maryjanes: These are more perverse and vulgar than the clear heels. At least the latter are out in the open. There's nothing subtle about those. Now, what grown woman would insist on dressing like an overgrown child? And only a pervert would be attracted to the woman wearing these dreadful things.

7. Platform slides: Another item from my university days that seems to have a non-existent expiration date. That could be the only explanation for how these shoes, which would look far better on Herman Munster, have lasted this long. These shoes refuse to go away.

7 Deadly Style Therapy Sins: Men's Shoes

Men, men, men. The following shoes should never be a part of most men's wardrobes. If you insist on playing the iconoclast, operate these shoes with great caution.

1. Church (or temple) loafers: Your first introduction to these shoes came in Junior High when you had to join the Boys' Chorus for an art credit. The time has come to bid them adieu. You're a sophisticated man now, and your shoes should reflect that.

2. Rugged boots: I was recently watching an old episode of 90210 from the third season. Everyone seems to be wearing similar boots made for tough terrain. But if you're not doing hard labor, walking in ice/snow, or climbing a mountain, these seem slightly specious.

3. Gangsta Lean Shoes: The original man these shoes were made for was quite the peacock in his day. However, his day was well over 30 years ago and he thought he could give Billy Dee Williams a run for his money. Now he walks with a cane, and not for affect like he did back in the day. Now he needs it for his hip replacement.

4. Cowboy boots: In a similar vein to the outdoor boots, these seem inauthentic if you're not herding cattle, riding in a rodeo, boot scootin' boogyin, or blazing your way up the Billboard Country charts.

5. Cha chas: During my senior year at university, I took a ballroom dance class for my PE credit. Our professor was a lovely man from Cuba who commanded the dance floor. He had tiny feet and he wore traditional ballroom dance shoes with a heel. If you're a professional or like to dabble in weekly class, owning these aren't up for discussion. However, if these are your work shoes that you wear to your regular 9:00-5:00, you have some 'splaining to do.

6. Platform boots: For some foolish reason I was under the impression that these were a dying fad. At the turn of this century, they disappeared for a minute; but they've come back full force with a vengeance. Unless you're of the deep, dark sacrificing variety (or you just want to appear that you are), leave these alone. For my friends who are vertically challenged, no one knows you're wearing lifts until you remove them.

7. Dad shoes: These are strictly for those born before 1960 who have at least one child. For this man, these shoes are traditional and agreeable. He's not hurting anyone. If you're young enough to have a father that fits this criteria and these are in your closet, please make an appointment with me (www.swstyletherapy.com).

8. *BONUS* College dude shoes: The guy who wears these also thinks wearing an Abercrombie shirt untucked with wrinkle khakis and a sweater vest is dressing up. Leave these at the frat house...where they belong.

Oh No He Didn't

The past two days have left me flabbergasted at the state of two men. A big Style Therapy no no is public grooming. This includes applying makeup (a quick lipgloss swipe is fine), nose-picking, hair twirling, toe-nail clipping (which is not uncommon on the train); etc. The other day I saw a man dressed in a suit with an attaché case board the C train during rush hour. The car was relatively packed, but we weren't at sardine capacity yet. I could not believe my eyes when I saw this man put his briefcase down, turn towards the doors of the train, look at his reflection, whip out a tie, and proceeded to do a double windsor!

He was jutting his chin out, between his collar, the way men do when they tie their cravats. Each time the train conductor hit the breaks or exited a station, he would almost fall on top of seated customers. He seemed pretty pleased with himself once his task was completed. But Tie Man was mild compared to what I saw at the Metropolitan L station yesterday.

The second man was young, with unkempt curly hair and he wore a beige corduroy blazer. I'm not sure if he was affecting a stereotypical professor look, or if he really was one. It didn't matter, because what I saw on his feet nearly knocked me out. As he was racing up the stairs to catch the train, I caught a glimpse of his feet. This man was wearing house slippers. House slippers on the street conjures up images of dope fiends. If corduroy blazers are a part of the professor cliche, fuzzy house slippers are addict's sartorial equivalent.

They were the type that people buy for their dads or grandfathers for Christmas. They are not meant to be worn on the street, even though they're fashioned after moccasins. The most one can do in them is run outside and get the paper while spending the weekend at a cabin in the Adirondacks. After all, we don't roam the streets in our drawers.