Sunday, November 2, 2008

7 Deadly Style Therapy Sins: Women's Shoes

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Too often we hold onto shoes we don't even like. Here are some tips on what to get rid of.

1. Sneaker slides: This is pure and utter laziness. This started when people needed to run out and heat the car up, then run back inside. Or maybe let the dog out to do her business. Understandably, no one wants to take the time to tie their sneakers for brief, mundane tasks. However, it evolved into a legitimate style that has some real staying power.

2. Platform flip flops: These are a tragic accident waiting to happen. These shoes are a tragic accident in and of themselves. The appeal of the added height makes sense, but there are other ways of achieving that: lifts, stilettos, or socializing with shorter people.

3. Church(or temple) loafers: These are akin to Dad shoes, except most moms know better than this. Vice principals fancy these because the height gives them authority, yet it's comfortable to walk around in all day since only God knows where the actual Principal is. Leave these to overworked administrators. They get a hall pass on this one.

4. Clear heels: These shoes were made for one kind of woman. Chris Rock knows that. I know that. And you know that. Any woman, who's job doesn't entail a slippery pole, should not be wearing these unless she insists upon being confused with the aforementioned woman.

5. Sneaker pumps: It's one or the other. Can't have them both. I'm not not sure if these are for that jogger who's got to run straight to work with no time to change in between. Or maybe it's for the long distance runner who wants a professional look. Either way, this look ran out of steam a long time ago.

6. Maryjanes: These are more perverse and vulgar than the clear heels. At least the latter are out in the open. There's nothing subtle about those. Now, what grown woman would insist on dressing like an overgrown child? And only a pervert would be attracted to the woman wearing these dreadful things.

7. Platform slides: Another item from my university days that seems to have a non-existent expiration date. That could be the only explanation for how these shoes, which would look far better on Herman Munster, have lasted this long. These shoes refuse to go away.

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