Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Do This In Private #1: Nose Picking

There are a host of things that need to be done in private: clipping nails, copulation, makeup application, and nose picking. Public figures and people in automobiles tend to be most inclined towards this egregious activity. I'm not referring to people with tinted windows either. Apparently the clear window is supposed to act as an invisible barrier. The driver is under the impression that no one is able to see him digging for gold.

As is the case with those folks who like to clip their nails on the bus or subway, public nose picking puts one on the same level as your garden variety serial killer. Truly, a public nose picker is no better. They're both menaces society and care only about themselves. These same public nose pickers will tell you, "I was just scratching my nose."

Just scratching your nose? Not drilling for oil? Not scratching an itchy brain? A true shame in the de-evolution of decorum. What's worse is that these people will be all too eager to shake your hand, sample the food on your plate; etc. Not only is it in poor taste. It can kill you. A poor old chap in the UK accidentally died from chronic nose picking.

The proper thing to do—if you sincerely can't wait to excuse yourself to the WC—is to take out a lovely (preferably monogrammed) handkerchief and pretend to blow your nose. Do a quick poke and swirl and get rid of the offending booger. Whatever you do, please be discreet about it.

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