Gut Feeling

The other day I was shopping with a client in SoHo, and despite the throng of people crowding the sidewalks, I was able to witness one of the most egregious outfits I'd seen in a long time. Now, I never project my own personal taste onto my clients, but I do stress the importance of wearing clothing that is flattering on their individual frames.

A young lady, who couldn't have been more than a size 2, had created the illusion of a massive gut, à la Patrick Starfish. I first noticed her from behind because her silhouette was so extreme—not in an avante-garde or Talking Heads manner, either. She had on a charming tweed peplum style blazer, but she went down a treacherous trajectory when she decided to wear it with a billowy, bubble-style top and low-rise jeans.

Ladies, and you gentlemen, too, it's ok to create curves or definition where they may not exist to create balance. However, when the result is off-scale to your natural proportions, you can come off as a scorching, sweltering hot mess. Please check yourself before you wreck another outfit!

What a Waist

I own a vintage, dirndl-style Yves Saint Laurent skirt that's one of the most cherished items in my wardrobe. It's from the designer's Spring 1980 Rive Gauche collection and it's constructed from a beautiful black cotton that's simultaneously sturdy and soft.

One would think, once you go ready-to-wear you never go back, but there's a little thing called cost of living in NYC. So I make due with what I have. One day very soon though...

The skirt is exactly the size of my waist—no bigger, no smaller. I'd been wearing it all morning two Fridays ago, and up until lunch time, I was quite comfortable. However, I stuffed an entire platter of Indian food down my throat. Let's not forget that nan expands once it settles into your digestive system...or at least it feels like that. Some bubbles from a bottle of San Pellegrino helped, but that didn't cure my overstuffed feeling.

Later that night I met up with Jess to see Fat City at Film Forum. After the film we noticed David Byrne in the lobby. And to strike up a conversation, I thanked him for all of his Brazilian Luaka Bop releases and kept it moving. Perhaps one day Mr. Byrne will be thanking me for spreading the Style Therapy message to the masses?

In any case, Jess and I (sans David Byrne) headed to El Paso on West Houston for dinner. Who does Indian and Mexican in span of 6 hours? Your Style Therapist, that's who. After downing the most beautiful chimichanga I've seen in a while, I began to feel the repercussions. You know those pregnant women who are in denial and insist on wearing their pre-baby bump clothes and belts tightened to conceal their condition? That's how I felt. How my skirt made it home without ripping at the seams is a miracle.

My natural waist had expanded by a good 3", and mind you, there's no elasticity, whatsoever, in my favorite skirt. The only casualty was a button that had been a little dangly prior to my gluttony. This is a cautionary tale to all of my beautiful clients. Please, when wearing your more more choice pieces that can't be replaced, stay away from the curry vindaloo.

The New Crackhead: Crack Really Is Whack

Remember my little visit to the Armory Show with the loutish and oafish gallerists from around the world? Well, I'm afraid I neglected to include a new trend I began to notice there. It may not even be a new trend per se, but it wasn't until then that I really got a good look at it. The context was different than walking down a random street. I expected people to be dressed comfortably for all of the walking around, but with some degree of refinement. We're looking at art, right?

Apparently, I'm an old fart who takes sartorial practices and manners a little too seriously. Speaking of flatulence, this "new" trend has to do with the posterior. It has come to my attention that it's now acceptable to show one's crack when seated. No longer the domain of the bent-over/squatting plumber, the exposed crack is essentially southern cleavage.

The Armory Show's seated visitors aren't the only ones with vertical lines on full display. Restaurants, stadium bleachers, and park benches all play host to the new crackhead.

People, people, people (shaking head). Come on. This lowrise business has not only created muffin tops but butt cracks free in the breeze. I know those of you who indulge in this vulgar practice can feel the air. It's not from ignorance. You feel it! For one, the daily high temperatures are still relatively low. Let's not even talk about how incredibly sloppy this look is. It's even crossed over to celebrities and lad mags. Cracks are not sexy! What happened to A-game and neatness counting? Pun coming up...we've got to draw the line somewhere.

Size Zeroes Can Be Muffins, Too

When I was in Miami this past December, the Admiral and I had brunch at an overpriced, palate-underwhelming restaurant along Collins Avenue in South Beach. Like many cities with true tropical climates, clothing is often brightly colored to reflect the natural hues in the environment, spare to accommodate the heat, and tight to show off a beach-ready body.

I grew up in South Florida, so I'm used to the stark sartorial differences between the Sunshine State and the Big Apple. But when I was a young lass, we didn't have muffin tops. Even though this trend (no doubt inspired by celebrity moms-to-be) has been relentless for the past five years or so , I've never grown accustomed to it. For the life of me I can't wrap my brain around it. Those Hollywood moms get away with exposing their bellies because there's a person living in them. Regular guts don't count. But for the record, I don't think an exposed gut on the street is cute whether you're preggers or not. Octomom anyone?

I just want to know why a young lady would leave her home with her gut spilling out? I don't have a six-pack like a That's the Way Love Goes Janet. And no one knows that because I keep my tummy under wraps. Even Janet lost her That's the Way Love Goes six-pack.

Muffin tops are usually seen on naturally thicker girls. Remember, Style Therapy is all about embracing the body you have now! None of this, "I need to lose 5 lbs. before I can bring my A-game." So I'm not knocking thicker girls. But the Collins Avenue muffin top I saw on that fateful day was no thick girl. If I had to guess her size, she's hovering somewhere in the 0 to 2 zone. I'd never seen anything like it before. Her waify body was carrying Homer Simpson's gut. In her lowrise jeans and too-short top, she was letting it all hang out. Now I'm not contradicting myself here. I said embrace your body as it is now, not walk around town looking like a hot mess. Neatness counts whether you're a 0 or 22; NEATNESS COUNTS!!

It's ok not to have washboard abs. It's not ok to look like you're being squeezed to death by your jeans. Ladies (and gentleman), let's all take a few extra seconds to examine ourselves in the mirror before we walk out the door. Check to make sure there are no hanging threads, stains, lint, loose buttons, or loose guts. Remember your A-game doesn't consist of exposed gut-flesh. And as for you six-packers out there. I know you've worked hard to get to this point and I applaud your efforts. But frankly, I don't want to see your guts either. Open-air stomachs are for the beach, the gym, and MAYBE the club on the RAREST of occasions, not for the streets. The only person this looks cute on is Dora; and she's subtle about it.