Smell Ya Later

Hey Mister, looking good. You know it, too...but I can smell you. You're waaaaaaaaaay over there and I'm waaaaaaaay over here.

Listen gents, as a Style Therapist I can really appreciate you taking the time to bring your A-game. But does this attention to detail HAVE to involve so much cologne? My nostrils are on fire and my eyes are watering. It's not even that your Eau de Homme smells bad, there's simply too much of it on your body. Take it easy for the public's sake...please!

We can still smell you 10 minutes after you've left the building. I know what you do, too. You lay your outfit on the bed and spritz the cologne all over—front AND back. In your mind, this is the subtle way to get your scent out into the atmosphere. But you don't stop there. You put it in your hair, on your neck, the palms of your hand—you refuse to leave any molecule unbathed in your special spice.

Please give the public's olfactory nerves a break. Your cologne seeps into our skin, attaches itself to our hair, our couches, car seats and any other surface that absorbs odors. My advice is to spritz in the air and run through the mist. That way only someone close enough to whisper can smell you. You're more appealing and mysterious that way. While you may be suffering from colognism, it's manageable disease. And in some cases, I've known it to be cured.

Style Therapy Book of Diseases and Disorders: Part I

While I'm not currently negotiating a deal with Oxford or Merriam-Webster to get this published, I do see it as a possibility in the future. Below is a list of very serious conditions and disorders that plague our community. If you, or someone you know, is afflicted with any of the following, please book an appointment with me at www.swstyletherapy.com stat!


Accumulosis-The uncontrollable collecting of clothing, shoes and accessories. Leads to a superfluous amount of rubbish. See Collyer Brothers.

Acrylicnailsaphilia-Obsession with fake nails and the application of garish artwork.

Baggyslobberitis-The chronic wearing of ill-fitting, obscenely large apparel. Adds excess weight.

Bargain Bin Disorder -Addiction to items below a specific price point-usually $15. Subject often takes price into consideration above all other factors. See labelwhoritis for polar opposite.

Cleavage Explosuresis-Untreatable condition of failing to wear the proper size top for one's bosom. Leads to frequent flesh spillage and extended stares.

Chappedlipemia-Chronic dry lips. Leads to incessant lip licking and application of Carmex.

Colognism-Excess wearing of extremely strong (and cheap smelling) scent. Can be overbearing and offensive to olfactory nerves.

Fredmertzmania-Uncontrollable desire to wear denim at an unnaturally high waist.

Hateration-Phenomenon consisting of intense jealousy towards someone with what is perceived to be a better bag, dog, personal style, car, house or other material possession.

Muffintopitis-Condition that entails spilling of excess flesh over waistband.

Labelwhoritis-Addiction to high-end labels above a specific price point. Often subject considers name on label before fit, style, appropriateness; etc. Frequently corresponds to an impaired ego.

Permitis-Prolonged perming of the hair. Usually leading to perpetual style from the 1980s.

Qualiphobia-Strong aversion towards apparel of any real quality. Item often made from cheap material. May correspond to a lack of self-worth. Object may also suffer from Bargain Bin Disorder.

Retouchysis-Allowing retouches for relaxers, colorings or cuts to lapse for an extended period of time, leaving hair in a ragged, unkempt state.

Sausagitis-The chronic wearing of ill-fitting, obscenely tight apparel. Has the potential for cutting off circulation. See Baggyslobberitis.

Shopophoria-Elated state of being after the purchase of a completely useless item.

Weavemia-Habitual wearing of fake hair without ever allowing natural hair to breathe; leaving a lot of roaming tail-less horses.